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Licensed Dist of HaterAde
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Discussion Starter #1
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "NO!".
She said, "Aye.. Well.... Ya will be when the tide comes in."
:lol::mrgreen::crackup::mrgreen::lol::crackup:
 

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Newfie Bullet
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2,341 Posts
A woman told a friend, "I had sex last night. Did you?"
Her friend replied, "Yes."
"Was it good?"
"No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, wolfed down his dinner, jumped on top of me, finished in four minutes, rolled over and fell asleep. How about yours?"

"Oh, my night was amazing! When I got home, my husband took me out for a romantic dinner. Afterwards, we took an hour-long walk. When we got home, he lit candles all around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. Then we had an hour of fantastic sex, after which we talked for hours. It was like a fairytale!"

Meanwhile, in another room, their husbands were also talking.....

"Did ya get any last night?"
"Yep. When I got home, dinner was on the table. We ate, screwed, and fell asleep. It was perfect! How about you?"

"Yeah, we did it, but it was horrible.

The electric company shut off our power 'cause I didn't paid the bill so we had to go out to eat. She ordered a meal so expensive that I didn't have enough money left for cab fare home, so we had to walk for like an hour! And since the power was off, I had to light candles just to see. I was so pissed that I couldn't get it up and then I couldn't get off for another hour. When I finally did, I was so bummed that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife just wouldn't stop jabbering!"
 

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Newfie Bullet
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2,341 Posts
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwa ve.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause musc le spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the pr ongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling....

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
 

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Your riding a zebra, there's a elephant on one side of you and a girafe on the other side. you are also being chased by a lion..... what do you do?


Get your ass of the merri-go-round and act your age.
 

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A psyciatrist was taking his daily rounds and noticed two patients in one of rooms. One patient was pretending to cut wood while the other was hanging on the ceiling by his feet.

Psyciatrist: what are you doing?
Patient 1: cant you see im cutting wood.
Psyciatrist: ok well what about your friend?
Patient 1: oh hes crazy, he thinks hes a light bulb.
Psyciatrist: well dont you think you should get him down from there before he gets hurt?
Patient 1: what and work in the dark??
 

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A stranger seated next to a child in an airplane.
Stranger turned to him and said, "Let's talk".
Child: "ok, what would you like to talk about?"
Stranger (making fun): "How about Nuclear Power".
Child: "Very interesting topic, but let me ask you a question". A horse, cow and deer, all east grass. Yet deer excretes pallet, cow flat potty and horse clumps.... WHY??"
Stranger:"I dont know"
Child:"Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issue when you dont know shit?!"
 

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blond all go to hell and receive a challege from the devil. If they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the devil a very hard philosophy question. To which the devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well. but the devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blond, she puts up a chair and drills 3 holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?""thats easy,"Says the devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
 

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A cop found a missing child on the side of the road. The cop asks the little boy "Son where do you live?" The little boy says "with my mom but I dont want to live with her, she beats me."
"Well do you want to live with your father?" asks the cop. "No, he beats me too."
The cop asks "Well who do you want to live with?." After thinking for a second the boy replies,"With the Dallas Cowboys, they don't beat anybody!"
 

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A woman is in a 30 story building and there's a bar on the top floor. So she goes there when she gets there the guy sitting at the bar says,"this beer is magical". She thinks,"he must be really drunk". He says, "watch this". so he jumps out the window and flies around the building and back in. She says,"I'll have what he's having". She drinks it then jumps out the window falling 30 stories to her death. The bartender says,"you know Superman, you're a real dick when your drunk".
 

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I really need to get out of the house
Joined
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13,309 Posts
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "NO!".
She said, "Aye.. Well.... Ya will be when the tide comes in."
:lol::mrgreen::crackup::mrgreen::lol::crackup:
:spit::lol:
 

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I really need to get out of the house
Joined
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13,309 Posts
A woman told a friend, "I had sex last night. Did you?"
Her friend replied, "Yes."
"Was it good?"
"No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, wolfed down his dinner, jumped on top of me, finished in four minutes, rolled over and fell asleep. How about yours?"

"Oh, my night was amazing! When I got home, my husband took me out for a romantic dinner. Afterwards, we took an hour-long walk. When we got home, he lit candles all around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. Then we had an hour of fantastic sex, after which we talked for hours. It was like a fairytale!"

Meanwhile, in another room, their husbands were also talking.....

"Did ya get any last night?"
"Yep. When I got home, dinner was on the table. We ate, screwed, and fell asleep. It was perfect! How about you?"

"Yeah, we did it, but it was horrible.

The electric company shut off our power 'cause I didn't paid the bill so we had to go out to eat. She ordered a meal so expensive that I didn't have enough money left for cab fare home, so we had to walk for like an hour! And since the power was off, I had to light candles just to see. I was so pissed that I couldn't get it up and then I couldn't get off for another hour. When I finally did, I was so bummed that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife just wouldn't stop jabbering!"

:spit::spit: .... prime example how we see things different!:lol:
 

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Newfie Bullet
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2,341 Posts
WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS


Jim and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly

Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Jim whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,

"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.


Jim comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"
 

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Newfie Bullet
Joined
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2,341 Posts
You gotta love Canadian Coffee!


A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his
help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin.

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee.
He won't even taste it.

"Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to
the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus Mary and Joseph, doctor,
twas horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard, de effect
was
almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye,
and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his arm
he
sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
then,
lard tunderin jaysus, didn't he take me right then and there, making wild,

mad passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell
you!

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was
not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex
I had in 25 years. .............But, I'll never be able to show me face in
Tim Horton's
ever again!"
 

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I really need to get out of the house
Joined
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13,309 Posts
WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS


Jim and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly

Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Jim whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,

"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.


Jim comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"
:spit::lol:....Newfie are a different breed!
 

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Newfie Bullet
Joined
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2,341 Posts
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by herself...

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread." .....
 

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Newfie Bullet
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2,341 Posts
SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?

The population of Canada is 32.5 million .

1 4.5 million are retired or on welfare .

That leaves 18 million to do the work.

There are 12.5 million in school.
Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 1.5 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 4 million to do the work.

.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with Afghanistan & finding Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 3.9 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 3.6 million people who work for provincial and

municipal governments.


And that leaves .3 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 228,000 people in hospitals and care homes.


Leaving 72,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 71,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.

And there you are,



sitting on your ass,



at your computer,



reading jokes.



Nice. Real nice !!
 

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Licensed Dist of HaterAde
Joined
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11,423 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by herself...

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread." .....
:clap::rotflmao:
 
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