Only in America - Kawasaki ZX-10R.net
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
Street Rider
 
HammyUK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: UK South
Posts: 71
Posting Frequency
 
Only in America

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you> performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the> body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been> alive and practicing law

Rehearsal? Get on with it.

06 ZX-10R, Full R&G, WP Rear shock, WP Full Forks, PCIII, Custom Underbelly Exhaust, GIPro, 08 swingarm, 175 at the wheel.
HammyUK is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 07:37 AM
Squid
 
wanted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 14
Posting Frequency
Images: 3
 
Send a message via MSN to wanted
wanted is offline  
post #3 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 08:05 AM
Judge Dredd Mod
 
mr_honez's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Bastrop, Texas
Posts: 9,188
Posting Frequency
           

BURNOUT.....
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
mr_honez is offline  
post #4 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 08:12 AM
Retired post whore
 
Alien10's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 8,463
Posting Frequency
Images: 10
           
Great post - funny as hell.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmond Burke (1729-1797)
Alien10 is offline  
post #5 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 08:16 AM
.net Most Followed Member
 
luis.pita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Up in the North
Posts: 8,795
Posting Frequency
           
Garage
i guess that shit happens everywhere. seen retard lawyers myself

luis.pita is offline  
post #6 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 08:18 AM
Track Day Rider
 
macdaddy3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 121
Posting Frequency
 
crackup:


BE AN INSPIRATION TO OTHERS AND YOU CAN DEEM YOURSELF A USEFUL PART OF SOCIETY.........
macdaddy3 is offline  
post #7 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 08:21 AM
Track Day Rider
 
budgual's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: MA
Posts: 183
Posting Frequency
 
"ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral."


The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
budgual is offline  
post #8 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 08:31 AM
GP Star
 
Shawng2020's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Kingsland, GA
Posts: 2,325
Posting Frequency
Images: 9
         
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alien10 View Post
Great post - funny as hell.



Rep Sent

"Be kind and courteous to everyone you come in contact with but have a plan to kill everyone you meet."
Shawng2020 is offline  
post #9 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 09:20 AM
I really need to get out of the house
 
rocketracermike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: mesa,az
Posts: 10,362
Posting Frequency
Images: 1
           
Perry mason is rolling in his grave right now.

Rain. Whats is this Rain i keep hearing?.
rocketracermike is offline  
post #10 of 21 Old 10-07-2008, 10:38 AM
.net Most Followed Member
 
luis.pita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Up in the North
Posts: 8,795
Posting Frequency
           
Garage
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!



luis.pita is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Kawasaki ZX-10R.net forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in











Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Only in America champ91 The Funny Pages 4 08-21-2007 12:15 AM
Where to go in America?? Harlequin The Out House 25 12-12-2006 05:01 PM
Road America matt_Rad73 The Out House 11 06-13-2006 02:29 PM
God Bless America... danno46 The Out House 42 01-31-2006 02:59 PM
First ride in America kawiman88 The ZX-10R 12 02-04-2004 05:46 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome