MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.
RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
Christian Frank, Billingham
DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.
TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.
J King, Prison
CONTACT lens wearers. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.
Garry Kidwell, Stoke
MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit happily on your hand for hours.
should help someone...