Man on a Beach - Kawasaki ZX-10R.net
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 25 Old 01-08-2011, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
Licensed Dist of HaterAde
 
TMY10ER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Houston,TX
Posts: 11,423
Posting Frequency
Images: 10
           
Send a message via Yahoo to TMY10ER
Man on a Beach

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "NO!".
She said, "Aye.. Well.... Ya will be when the tide comes in."

.
.
Take a risk, and you may lose. Never risk, and you will always lose.


........
TMY10ER is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 25 Old 01-08-2011, 05:51 PM
Newfie Bullet
 
craig_sez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Sackville,Novascotia
Posts: 2,341
Posting Frequency
Images: 34
    
Garage
A woman told a friend, "I had sex last night. Did you?"
Her friend replied, "Yes."
"Was it good?"
"No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, wolfed down his dinner, jumped on top of me, finished in four minutes, rolled over and fell asleep. How about yours?"

"Oh, my night was amazing! When I got home, my husband took me out for a romantic dinner. Afterwards, we took an hour-long walk. When we got home, he lit candles all around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. Then we had an hour of fantastic sex, after which we talked for hours. It was like a fairytale!"

Meanwhile, in another room, their husbands were also talking.....

"Did ya get any last night?"
"Yep. When I got home, dinner was on the table. We ate, screwed, and fell asleep. It was perfect! How about you?"

"Yeah, we did it, but it was horrible.

The electric company shut off our power 'cause I didn't paid the bill so we had to go out to eat. She ordered a meal so expensive that I didn't have enough money left for cab fare home, so we had to walk for like an hour! And since the power was off, I had to light candles just to see. I was so pissed that I couldn't get it up and then I couldn't get off for another hour. When I finally did, I was so bummed that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife just wouldn't stop jabbering!"

Team green,Bleed green,RIDE GREEN!!

Brembo m/c,Nassert Beet,HEL lines,Pazzo levers,HID kit,custom monster paint scheme..Thanks to forum member horse for that..Woolich raceing kit,Elka rear shock and front fork pistons,Green samco coolant hose kit,Zero gravity dbbl smoked screen,520 conversion,attack rear sets,bmc race air filter,Monster zx6 front seat,moto graffix tank pad,feredo pads,galpher lite weight rear rotor.
craig_sez is offline  
post #3 of 25 Old 01-08-2011, 05:55 PM
Newfie Bullet
 
craig_sez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Sackville,Novascotia
Posts: 2,341
Posting Frequency
Images: 34
    
Garage
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwa ve.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause musc le spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the pr ongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling....

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Team green,Bleed green,RIDE GREEN!!

Brembo m/c,Nassert Beet,HEL lines,Pazzo levers,HID kit,custom monster paint scheme..Thanks to forum member horse for that..Woolich raceing kit,Elka rear shock and front fork pistons,Green samco coolant hose kit,Zero gravity dbbl smoked screen,520 conversion,attack rear sets,bmc race air filter,Monster zx6 front seat,moto graffix tank pad,feredo pads,galpher lite weight rear rotor.
craig_sez is offline  
post #4 of 25 Old 01-08-2011, 06:24 PM
Champion Rider
 
Ghostryder79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 276
Posting Frequency
  
^^^ I laughed so hard I had tears! That is awesome.
Ghostryder79 is offline  
post #5 of 25 Old 01-08-2011, 08:56 PM
Champion Rider
 
TinMan_38's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Arkansas, moved to pennsylvania
Posts: 471
Posting Frequency
       
my wife and I both just laughed until we were both crying. very descriptive! hahaha!

there are few problems in life that the proper application of throttle will not fix.:deathmeta
TinMan_38 is offline  
post #6 of 25 Old 01-13-2011, 12:30 AM
BANNED
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: STL
Posts: 1,516
Posting Frequency
  
very good
hellboytt is offline  
post #7 of 25 Old 01-13-2011, 02:56 AM
GP Rider
 
The Nam3less's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Mesa, Az
Posts: 1,755
Posting Frequency
           
Your riding a zebra, there's a elephant on one side of you and a girafe on the other side. you are also being chased by a lion..... what do you do?


Get your ass of the merri-go-round and act your age.
The Nam3less is offline  
post #8 of 25 Old 01-13-2011, 03:03 AM
GP Rider
 
The Nam3less's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Mesa, Az
Posts: 1,755
Posting Frequency
           
A psyciatrist was taking his daily rounds and noticed two patients in one of rooms. One patient was pretending to cut wood while the other was hanging on the ceiling by his feet.

Psyciatrist: what are you doing?
Patient 1: cant you see im cutting wood.
Psyciatrist: ok well what about your friend?
Patient 1: oh hes crazy, he thinks hes a light bulb.
Psyciatrist: well dont you think you should get him down from there before he gets hurt?
Patient 1: what and work in the dark??
The Nam3less is offline  
post #9 of 25 Old 01-13-2011, 03:09 AM
GP Rider
 
The Nam3less's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Mesa, Az
Posts: 1,755
Posting Frequency
           
A stranger seated next to a child in an airplane.
Stranger turned to him and said, "Let's talk".
Child: "ok, what would you like to talk about?"
Stranger (making fun): "How about Nuclear Power".
Child: "Very interesting topic, but let me ask you a question". A horse, cow and deer, all east grass. Yet deer excretes pallet, cow flat potty and horse clumps.... WHY??"
Stranger:"I dont know"
Child:"Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issue when you dont know shit?!"
The Nam3less is offline  
post #10 of 25 Old 01-13-2011, 03:16 AM
GP Rider
 
The Nam3less's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Mesa, Az
Posts: 1,755
Posting Frequency
           
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blond all go to hell and receive a challege from the devil. If they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the devil a very hard philosophy question. To which the devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well. but the devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blond, she puts up a chair and drills 3 holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?""thats easy,"Says the devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
The Nam3less is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Kawasaki ZX-10R.net forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in











Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Anyone From Va Beach, Va specialk Regional Forums 15 12-10-2008 02:12 PM
Anyone From Va Beach, Va specialk Welcome Newbies! 16 10-20-2008 11:05 PM
new in Long Beach DeepSix Welcome Newbies! 50 02-28-2007 09:42 PM
mexico beach, fl S.ga.rider Pictures and Videos 9 09-21-2006 02:20 AM
Who's is this?? Daytona Beach JonnyQuest The ZX-10R 33 10-26-2004 10:27 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome