Anniversary Gift - Kawasaki ZX-10R.net
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post #1 of 11 Old 08-14-2007, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Anniversary Gift

I received this as email from a relative
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two AAA batteries... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @[email protected]$$!%[email protected]*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


Still in shock, Tommy

"Any man who says he is an AMERICAN, but something else also, isn't an AMERICAN at all.
We have room for but one flag, the AMERICAN FLAG .... We have room for but one language here, and that is the ENGLISH LANGUAGE...
And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the AMERICAN PEOPLE" TR
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post #2 of 11 Old 08-14-2007, 11:55 AM
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where you been lately ya ninny

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post #3 of 11 Old 08-14-2007, 05:55 PM
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Thats some of the funniest [email protected]$& i have read in along time.
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post #4 of 11 Old 08-14-2007, 07:22 PM
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I can relate... Not to this but I'm sure we've all known, at some stage or another, that doing something is a very stupid idea, but still gone and done it...

Thanks, had a good laugh...
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post #5 of 11 Old 08-14-2007, 07:37 PM
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I cant stop laffing. My eyes hurt.
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post #6 of 11 Old 08-15-2007, 01:15 AM
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too good

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post #7 of 11 Old 08-15-2007, 02:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ligitninjas View Post
I cant stop laffing. My eyes hurt.
:iamwithst
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post #8 of 11 Old 08-15-2007, 06:39 AM
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post #9 of 11 Old 08-17-2007, 11:09 PM
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Thats funny Now I know what I have to look forward to when NJ allows us to carry tasers. I suspect the training will consist of pretty much the same thing.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmond Burke (1729-1797)
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post #10 of 11 Old 08-18-2007, 05:37 AM
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You deserve rep for that one. lmao so much here the tears are streaming down my face


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