New Employee Policy
As a result of the money budgeted for department areas, we are forced
to cut down our number of personnel. Under this plan older employees
will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger employees who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out our older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of
their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retiring Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination) .
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be
entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he
or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES OR CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company
takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have
given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT that you can stand.
"Any man who says he is an AMERICAN, but something else also, isn't an AMERICAN at all.
We have room for but one flag, the AMERICAN FLAG .... We have room for but one language here, and that is the ENGLISH LANGUAGE...
And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the AMERICAN PEOPLE" TR