A Joke....post yours here... - Kawasaki ZX-10R.net
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post #1 of 17 Old 09-20-2003, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
 
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A Joke....post yours here...

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied
to
a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That
Sure
is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," The
girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run
your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,
I
think you could probably go a lot faster." The little girl pauses for a
moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly
looks up into the fireman's eyes and says......
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*#king siren, would
I?!"
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post #2 of 17 Old 10-13-2003, 11:37 AM
 
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Eyesight

A woman is standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror & says to her husband,
"I look horrible, fat & ugly. Pay me a compliment."

Husband Replies,
"Your eyesight's, f**kin spot on."
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post #3 of 17 Old 10-13-2003, 01:27 PM
 
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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post #4 of 17 Old 10-13-2003, 01:28 PM
 
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PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
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post #5 of 17 Old 10-13-2003, 01:29 PM
 
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
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post #6 of 17 Old 10-13-2003, 01:31 PM
 
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Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'
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post #7 of 17 Old 10-13-2003, 04:21 PM
 
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An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for
company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers
that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving smart arse Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
dingo sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo mutters, "Where the
bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard."
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post #8 of 17 Old 10-27-2003, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
 
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Hey guys....do you mind if post your jokes on other sites??

Funny stuff.....I think alot of people would get a kick out of them.
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post #9 of 17 Old 10-27-2003, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
 
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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post #10 of 17 Old 10-30-2003, 09:46 PM
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grandmother biker

A elderly little ol' lady decided that she wanted to join up with a group of outlaw bikers.

One night she approached their hangout and knocked on the door. A burly biker answered the door and confronted the diminutive old lady. "What do you want Granny?" he bellowed.

"I want to join your club."

"Oh you do? I guess your gonna tell me you ride a bike."

"Yes, I do. That is my hog settin' over there."

"Well granny, tell me, do you smoke?"

"Yup, I smoke 4 packs a day and I usually smoke a couple cigars while I play pool at night."

"Hmm, cool. OK granny, what about drinking. Do you drink?"

"Damn straight big boy. whiskey and beer both suit me just fine..."

The biker paused for a second, looking the little lady over. She asked, "Well, can I join up with you boys?"

"Just one more question granny, have you every been pinched by the fuzz before?"

She looked down as she answered, "No, I have never pinched by the fuzz....."

Then she looked him square in the eyes and defiantly said, "But I have been swung by my tits."
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